Identifying as Louie the Labrador


People often describe an excellent night’s sleep as “sleeping like a baby,” but that’s not reality. Babies wake up every two hours and need to be changed.

I think people would rather live “a dog’s life.”

What’s not to love? Dogs have no responsibilities except to bark when the mailman comes to the door. Dogs wag their tail and provide love and affection for their human family. Dogs sleep whenever, wherever, and for as long as they wish. When we go out, they watch the house until we return. How difficult is that?

I see it every day with Louie the Labrador. Just like humans who are aging, he’s slowing down. Most days, he sleeps longer and doesn’t seem interested in chasing squirrels out of the backyard anymore. He’s mellowed as he’s aged – just like me.

Since humans now have the right to choose their gender identity, I guess it was just a matter of time before they started choosing to be something other than male or female. I read about a Japanese man who spent Twenty Thousand dollars for a realistic-looking suit that transformed him into a Collie.

Then, he went out publicly to fulfill a life-long dream of walking on all fours. My lifelong dream was to play shortstop for the New York Mets, but maybe it’s a cultural thing. If you saw Toco’s video on his YouTube page, you would think he was a giant Lassie.

He then posted another video of himself, in full costume, down on all fours and eating dog food from a doggie dish. Of course, lacking a dog’s six-inch tongue, he sipped his Coca-Cola from a straw. Try teaching that to your cocker spaniel.

An isolated incident, you say? Not quite.

Recently, over 1,000 humans identifying as canines gathered at a railroad station in Germany, although no one knew exactly why. They only communicated by barking and howling.

Not to be confused with “furries,” who like to dress up in animal suits, they even have a term for people identifying as creatures other than humans, “Therians.” Therians actually believe that they are animals, or an animal soul reincarnated into a human body. I knew all dogs go to heaven, but I didn’t think they could get sent back down as your neighbor Bob.

Identifying as non-human can be a lucrative business venture. A woman who acts like a domesticated dog (she even wears a collar) has been raking in over $10,000 a month online. “I never thought my weird dog kink would be looked at by a broad audience or that so many people would like/care about it,” she said, “It blows my mind.”

Paying to see someone dress up and act like a dog seems like a waste of time. If I want some Anthropomorphism, I can enjoy Brian (the dog on Family Guy) or Snoopy (from Peanuts) for free.

Maybe I should have a secret identity, like Clark Kent and Superman. After all, Clark was a mild, mannered newspaper reporter who hid his Superman costume underneath a suit and tie, wearing glasses to fool the general public. Of course, even dressed as Clark Kent, he could jump out of windows and still fly. I just never understood how his shoes didn’t come flying off. Superman was way ahead of his time regarding his chosen identity. He was an alien from the Planet Krypton identifying as a human.

After careful consideration, I’m going to identify as Louie the Labrador. Of course, I need to research becoming a Therian, but living as a human, especially in New York, is getting harder and harder. I don’t believe Therians have to pay taxes. Although Toco took his chosen identity to the extreme and ate dog food out of a bowl, I hope that’s not a membership requirement.

I’d like to have my meals prepared for me. When it’s time to “go,” I can just “go.” Want to leave me alone to watch the house? Sure thing! I can even look out the window and tell you when the mailman arrives. I would love to sleep whenever, wherever, and for as long as I want.

Wait a minute. This sounds a lot like retirement…

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