If I Were In A Coma…?


Daily, when scrolling down my Social Media timeline, I am intrigued by Posters asking the
oddest of questions. Such as: Would you rather be a couch potato or a real potato? If you
could dis-invent something, what would it be? What famous person would you like to go fishing with? And so on.

And methought: Where do they come up with these? After about 6 seconds of in-depth webbrowsing I was not surprised to see there are ACTUAL SITES that supply these questions to those in need of subject matter after they have exhausted their repertoire of “food I am eating at the moment” and “11 years ago on this very day my cat was eaten by my other cat.”

And thus, I immediately was zapped back in my Way Back Machine to the most influential
periodical of my youth—MAD MAGAZINE. Aside from SPY VS. SPY and THE LIGHTER SIDE OF… my favorite feature was MAD’S SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS. Now that is a useable template for the following. These are questions I actually lifted from some of those sites. And I have supplied some answers. And as always, I would love to hear your responses, too.

SOCIAL MEDIA POSTER: “If I were in a coma, and you were at my bedside, what you whisper in my ear?”
ME: What is your pin number?

SOCIAL MEDIA POSTER 2: “If you hadn’t seen me in 20 years, what is the nicest thing you would say to me.”
ME: You don’t smell half as bad as you look.

SOCIAL MEDIA POSTER 3: “What do you think about clowns?”
ME: I have always been a proponent of term limitations.

SOCIAL MEDIA POSTER 4: “So how FAR did YOU swim, run or bike today?”
ME: Good question. One–I have a car. Two–How FAR can MY foot fit up your a–?

SOCIAL MEDIA POSTER 5: “What would you say at my funeral?”
ME: Is there gonna be cake later?

SOCIAL MEDIA POSTER 6: “If heaven is a place on earth, where do you think it would be?”
ME: At Montauk Point, in July, with Belinda Carlisle in a thong carrying an ice bucket of St. Pauli Girl.

SOCIAL MEDIA POSTER 7: “Should I get the tramp stamp tattoo, the nipple ring, a bone through my nose or the eyebrow piecing?”
ME: Tough one. Can you get them to sew your mouth shut?

SOCIAL MEDIA POSTER 8: “What are you most likely to stay up all night talking about?”
ME: Temazepam.

SOCIAL MEDIA POSTER 9: “What do you think is my most attractive attribute?”
ME: Your astonishing lack of concern for what other people think about you.

SOCIAL MEDIA POSTER 10: “If you were in a coma, and I were at your bedside, what would you want me to whisper in your ear?”
ME: I can’t find your pin number.

Can’t wait to hear what you guys and gals come up with!

By Douglas Delaney, All Rights Reserved 2023

(Contributed photo)

Douglas Delaney is a Levittown native and an award-winning author of fiction, non-fiction (Tower Dog: Life Inside the Deadliest Job in Ameria, theater (The Last 10 Miles of Avery J. Coping) and cinema (All Roads Lead Home.) 

Doug’s documentary on the Levittown Red Devils (The Devils You Knew) is in the final stages of production and his latest written work regarding life growing up on Long Island is available on Substack.

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